Yesterday I went to a seminar on Careers in the North. I went because I thought I should know what the options are up there in case I want to go home at some point. It wasn't really an information session. It was more a bunch of people who currently and previously lived in Northern Ontario and their perspective on how that affected their life.
Many of the people whom spoke were from home. It was great to be in an environment where people spoke positively about the north and all it's richness. They talked about being part of a community, canoeing, hiking and camping. They talked about owning a house on a lakeshore for less than $500 000. Or about driving straight into work in 'rush' hour and being able to go 100km/h and then being able to park for free right behind their office.
It really made me miss home. It has SO many advantages. I know that Toronto does as well and they are different. Home and Toronto are polar opposites. Toronto has all the theater and entertainment I could ever want while home is so limited that some movies I want to see would mean I would have to wait till it comes out on DVD.
The whole experience left me feeling torn. If I go to work back home I'd be close to my family, have the same salary as here but it would go much further, I could afford a car and house and I'd be close to all those great camping spots and I'd have money to travel.
If I stay here I'm close to Dad's family, I have access to all sorts of theatre and shopping, I have a huge network of friends that are interested in travelling and getting together often.
So really what it comes down to it what weighs more as far as a decision goes; Material things or people? By choosing Toronto I'm choosing a life where I'll never afford a house or car. Living in an apartment or condo for the rest of my life is not very appealing. I want to be able to have a dog someday and I can't have a dog in an apartment or condo and here that is all I can afford on my own. And I am on my own. More alone than I've ever been in my entire life.
However, in Thunder Bay my friends have outgrown me. They don't make time to spend with me. I can plan events months in advance and they won't commit to coming. I love to come up with great new ideas of places to go or things to do and they are never excited to do anything and their apathy has frustrated me. But there I am alone too. I have realized you can be more alone in a group of people than you are in a room by yourself.
Here I come up with ideas of things to do or places to go and they are all so excited to join me. I have a huge network of people that are not only willing to come along but to help out. The difference in that respect between here and home are like night and day.
At home I'm a failure. Here I'm someone. Here I matter to many. At home I'm forgotten. At home I don't fit in.
At my core I'm miserable. I feel like a person missing a very important piece of myself. It seems that as long as I'm away from home I'll always be incomplete. But I know from having been there most of my life I'm miserable because the place alone doesn't satisfy me. I don't know how to reconcile these two conflicting aspects of who I am.
Is this what life is supposed to be? Am I always supposed to feel like I'm missing the most important piece?
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